her vagine was all disorganized.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
