My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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