How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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