just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
