This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
