I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
