The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
