That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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