I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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