i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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