Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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