So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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