I think I died a long time ago.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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