it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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