I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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