Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
