I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
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there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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