the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
