so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
