Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
