I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
