pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
