i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Randomize
