if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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