if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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