I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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