I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
