I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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