Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
