I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
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you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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