1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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