Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
