you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
