I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
