the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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