Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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