I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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