my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
