I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
