meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
