Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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