new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
