Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
