woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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