it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
