Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
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