am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
