I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
