Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
