I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
