There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
