So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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