If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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