i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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