i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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