I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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