You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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