We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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