did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
