Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
