did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
